How Many Generic Chickens Can You Fit Into a Generic Pontiac?
A while back, someone asked how many generic chickens would fit
into a generic Pontiac. This question has been on my mind recently,
so I decided to work out this problem, for the benefit of all humanity.
I. It has been proven succesfully that chickens have a definite
wave-like nature. In reproducing Thomas Young's famous
double-slit experiment of 1801, Sir Kenneth Harbour-Thomas
showed that chickens not only diffract, but produce interference
patterns as well. (This experiment is fully documented in Sir
Kenneth's famous treatise "Tossing Chickens Through Various
Apertures in Modern Architecture", 1897)
II. It is also known, as any farmhand can tell you, that whereas
if one chicken is placed in an enclosed space, it will be impossible
to pinpoint the exact location of the chicken at any given time t.
This was summarized by Helmut Heisenberg (Werner's younger
brother) in the equation:
d(chicken) * dt = b
(where b is the barnyard constant; 5.2 x10^(-14) domestic fowl
* seconds)
III. Whatever our results, they must be consistant with the
fundamentals of physics, so energy, momentum, and charge
must all be conserved.
A. Chickens (fortunately) do not carry electric charge. This was
discovered by Benjamin Franklin, after repeated experiments with
chickens, kites, and thunderstorms.
B. The total energy of a chicken is given by the equation:
E = K + V
Where V is the potential energy of the chicken, and K is the kinetic
energy of the chicken, given by
(.5)mv^2 or (p^2) / (2m).
C. Since chickens have an associated wavelength, w, we know
that the momentum of a free-chicken (that is, a chicken not
enclosed in any sort of Pontiac) is given by: p = b / w.
IV. With this in mind, it is possible to come up with a wave
equation for the potential energy of a generic chicken. (A wave
equation will allow us to calculate the probability of finding any
number of chickens in automobiles.) The wave equation for a
non-relativistic, time-independant chicken in a one- dimensional
Pontiac is given by:
[V * P] - [[(b^2) / (2m)] * D^2(P)] = E * P
P is the wave function, and D^2(P) is its second derivative. The
wave equation can be used to prove that chickens are in fact
quantized, and that by using the Perdue Exclusion formula we
know that no two chickens in any Pontiac can have the same
set of quantum numbers.
V. The probability of finding a chicken in the Pontiac is simply
the integral of P * P * dChicken from 0 to x, where x = the length
of the Pontiac. Since each chicken will have its own set of quantum
numbers (when examining the case of the three-dimensional Pontiac)
different wave functions can be derived for each set of quantum
numbers. It is important to note that we now know that there is no
such thing as a generic chicken. Each chicken influences the position
and velocity of every other chicken inside the Pontiac, and each
chicken must be treated individually.
It has been theorized that chickens do in fact have an intrinsic
angular momentum, yet no experiment has been yet conducted
to prove this, as chickens tend to move away from someone trying
to spin them.
Curious sidenote: Whenever possible, any attempt to integrate a
chicken should be done by parts, as most people will tend to
want the legs (dark meat), which can lead to innumerable family
conflicts which are best avoided if at all possible.
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